It’s a little-known fact that I am quite adept at deducing. That’s right. I can figure things out. This skill is undoubtedly hereditary since Momma likes detective shows like “Columbo,” “NCIS,” and, her all-time favorite, “Criminal Minds.”
It was “Criminal Minds” that set my career in detective work. The special FBI unit uses all sorts of special techniques to get answers to the multitude of mysteries presented each week. Although I have mastered a good number of these skills, the Criminal Minds crew had a few advantages.
First, I don’t have a private jet standing by to fly me all over the country. Since the hard-to-crack cases generally don’t happen in West Texas, that leaves me with precious few to solve. I’ve asked Daddy to equip his Prius with special equipment so that we could roll like Raymond Burr on “Ironsides.” Apparently, Daddy doesn’t want to accessorize anything at this time. He’s what’s referred to as a low-budget operator.
Second, I really need a highly-efficient research person like Penelope talking to me on my phone all of the time. I don’t mind looking up stuff, but I don’t have a computer and it’s really hard to type on my phone. Just look at the size of my paws!
Third, I don’t have a degree in law-enforcery or a badge. Daddy says this creates a credibility gap and is probably why more people don’t call me to solve crimes. He says I just have to get the word out about my abilities by sharing stories of my successful cases. Then he laughs and laughs. Despite my deductive abilities, I can’t imagine what he’s laughing about.
So, without budget resources for private jets and research assistants, I decided to publicize one of my highly successful cases-in-progress: The Case of the Purloined Pen.
Daddy loves pens. He used to write in little notebooks and journals. They once were scattered all over but now he keeps a lot of them in his study at home. I asked him why he wrote in them and why he kept them. A puzzled expression came over him. Eventually, Daddy explained that when his brain hurts it helps to get his thoughts out on paper. (I suggested ibuprofen as another way to deal with brain pains, but Daddy ignored me.)
As good as that sounds, I think the real reason is that he likes pens. Daddy has a lot of pens — mostly ones that you write with until the ink stops and you throw them away. But occasionally, Daddy will invest in a special pen. Here’s a picture of his favorite right now. (He really ought not to leave these lying around.)
Some time ago, Daddy was working out of town. After work hours, he went exploring in a mall near his hotel and discovered a shop that was filled with stationery and writing utensils. And Daddy spied a pen that he really wanted. It was an ACME pen with a pattern designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Mr. Wright was a famous architect who apparently decorated pens, too.
Daddy happily used that pen until one day it disappeared. That was years and years ago. It happened so long ago that this is what we in the business call a “cold case.”
Daddy will occasionally mention that pen and get a far-away look in his eye. Thus, I have made it a lifelong quest to solve the Case of the Purloined Pen.
Of course, another possibility is that Daddy misplaced the pen. He is gifted at losing things. So that would be a tough case to crack. Further, I would need to use my treasure-hunting skills rather than my detective skills. Unfortunately, I don’t have an Indiana Jones-style hat. But I do have this fashionable Sherlock Holmes model and a vested interest in solving this through detectivism.
One evening, I managed to “borrow” Daddy’s phone in hope that there might be clues. As I was browsing through his photos, I came across this — the first solid lead in the case.
A purple bear in his natural habitat — a bookshelf in Daddy’s old office. Nothing particularly sinister in the photo. But I was disturbed by the way this bear avoided looking at the camera. It was as if he had something to hide . . .
Being a great detective with connections, I made a call and secured some security video. It took viewing hours of video footage, but I eventually found this . . .
. . . and this.
The bear had slipped over to Daddy’s desk after hours and swiped Daddy’s pen! Take special notice of the pen in his left paw and that guilty smirk.
Unfortunately, the trail has grown cold again. The bear skipped town and I’m confident that he has that pen with him. If we could just locate that bear.
It shouldn’t be that hard. A purple, left-handed bear.
That’s where you can help, America! Send your clues to me at
findthebearfindthepen.com
Daddy says it looks professional to have a website listed. [It’s not a real website but it does look pretty professional, doesn’t it?]
If my career takes off, you might even get a supporting role in my television series.
You forgot Monk! Keen eye for details and solid use of intuition.
This is so funny. I think I’d like to have a Togo mentality.