Togo Goes State of the Union

The other night while channel surfing, I came across the State of the Union Address. I lost interest pretty quickly because it was a lot of talking, and there were no doggie treats.

Daddy talks a lot on our walks and I lose interest pretty quickly then, too. But at least he has doggie treats. And Daddy occasionally says interesting things like, “Look at that cat sitting over there!” or “Don’t eat that!” Sometimes, when I’m listening closely, I get to see a cat, or I’m inspired to gobble up whatever I’ve found even faster than I was planning.

The State of the Union Address appears to be a pretty big deal, though. In the first part, I got to see Senators and Representatives and Supreme Court Justices and the Vice President. And then I saw the President! He walked down the middle aisle and shook hands and waved.

I started thinking about how cool it would be to be President and to give a State of the Union Address.

I would do the entrance a little differently. Instead of handshakes, I think I would do nose boops and walk slower so that people could pat me. And I think that rather than stand behind that big wooden box to give my speech, I would have them build a ramp and I’d sit on top of it. Or maybe I’d have them bring my porch swing and I would just plop down up there and get really comfortable. Or even better, we could just move the whole thing to my backyard and we wouldn’t have to move the swing.

I don’t think my speech would be as long as the President’s was the other night. I remember the last time that I barked for a couple of minutes. Daddy shushed me and told me that was enough. Daddy has a pretty good feel for how these public events should be run, so I think his advice to keep it short would be a good idea.

I would have to have a speech, though. That’s what “address” means. I thought about giving the address that’s printed on my dog tags, but Daddy says it would be best not to disclose our location since there are a lot of crazy people out there who would want to come to visit. I watched enough of the speech to know that I would want to disinvite several people who were there and they were probably the people Daddy was referring to.

What to say? What to say? What. To. Say.

I think that my State of the Union Address would go like this:

My fellow Americans, my esteemed colleagues on both sides of the aisle, my less-than-courteous colleagues on one side of the aisle, members of the Court, and honored guests . . .

I come tonight with a feeling of gratitude. This country of ours is pretty great. You love it. I love it. The economy is getting better. Despite the dire predictions of that groundhog over in Pennsylvania, the weather seems a little nicer. Accordingly, you, the American people, need to get out and walk more with your dogs. You’ll feel better. I’ll feel better.

In the coming year, I will work with this Congress to pass an economic stimulus package. If you walk more, you’ll need more doggie treats. The Doggie Revitalization Omnibus & Outdoor Living (DROOL) Act will bring industry, jobs, and those little peanut butter morsels to our communities and our constituencies. A bag of treats in every cupboard!

I also will be funding pea-shooters for our military to use to shoot down balloons. Much more environmentally friendly, less costly than a supersonic jet, and just a whole lot more fun overall. And peas aren’t half bad after they land on the ground.

That’s the good news.

Now here’s the serious part: You have to start being nicer. The problem is there are a bunch of people who think that they’re better than other people for some of the silliest reasons. Stop it.

You’re probably asking yourself, “What does Togo know about these things?”

Well, dogs are pretty smart. And if you are questioning that right now, you might want to ask yourself why I’m President and you’re not. It’s because I’m smart. And I am somewhat adorable. And I happen to know that every single living creature in this world has a place — even that crazy-eyed groundhog. The sooner you start loving everybody and treating them with respect, the better off we’ll be as a country.

My Daddy told me I should have a serious part and then end with a story. So here’s my story.

Daddy and I walk a lot. And we see a lot of cats as we walk. Now, I don’t want to brag, but I’m a pretty big boy and I’m fast and nimble, and good-looking and smart . . . (Sorry. I’m pretty sure that at this point Daddy would be giving me the signal to go back to the teleprompter.)

The point I was trying to make is that there’s not a kitty cat anywhere who can push me around. When I walk in my neighborhood and see my neighbor cats, I make sure that they know I respect them. Because it’s the right thing to do. And I do respect them! And I know that they respect me.

Just the other day, a cat that I affectionately call Grumpy Cat flopped down right in my path. And instead of growling or nipping at him to move, I gingerly stepped around him. Because I respect him! And yes, I did keep looking over my shoulder for a hundred yards or so . . . out of respect! And a little bit of fear because cats are famous for sneak attacks.

I’m not sure that’s a great story but it gets me to a place where I can say good night.

To summarize: We have a lot to be thankful for. Support the DROOL Act. Promote peas. And quit thinking you’re better than everybody else.

Time for bed. I’m going to walk back down that aisle, give some nose boops, and head home. I’d suggest you do the same.

Thank you! And God Bless America and all the people and creatures in the world! All of them!

I figure that’s five minutes tops. More than the two minutes Daddy usually allows me. But after all, it is the State of the Union.