Togo Goes for the Vote

Voting is a valuable privilege and not one to be taken lightly.

I would like to vote. It would make me feel special. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that I’m eligible because I’m a dog. I would point out that the U.S. Constitution doesn’t say dogs can’t vote. Over and over, it says that citizens of the United State shall not be denied the right to vote.

The key thing is being a citizen. The Fourteenth Amendment says . . .

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside.

I definitely was born in the U.S. — just up the road from Abilene on a little farm outside of Albany. (That’s Albany, Texas for those who aren’t from around here.) And I’m definitely subject to the jurisdiction of these United States and the great state of Texas. That’s why I always wear a harness and a leash when I’m not in my backyard or house.

Now, I know that a few of you are going to jump in and say that I can’t be a citizen because I’m not a person. But what is a person? It gets complicated here because there are a lot of definitions based on assumptions. Some say that you have to be human to be a person. Yet the law says that a “person” can also be a corporation or a partnership. Dictionaries define a person as a “sentient being.” But that just means a being who can utilize their senses and experience feelings.

On being sentient: There are five senses — sight, smell, taste, sound, and touch. I have all of those senses. And I have to say that I am pretty good with them. And when it comes to experiencing feelings, I am one of the best at rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn. (That, by the way is called “empathy” and it’s a highly-developed sense of feeling — perhaps even a sixth sense. I know a lot of humans who don’t have that.)

I would argue that I’m every bit a person based on my sentiality, my compassion, my unusually high intellect, and my intense loyalty to others. And, a bonus over most human voters, I actually take time to understand the issues and would vote accordingly.

Since I’ve eviscerated (there’s a word that only a person would use) all of the opposing arguments, you may want to try to disqualify me based on age. But in equivalent dog years, I am well over 70. And I wouldn’t even use my age exemption to get out of jury duty. Slam dunk on civic responsibility!

This is where critics are going to avoid all rationality and simply say that laws and elections were meant for persons who are human and “everybody knows that.” So how do you explain all of the animals who have been elected to public office?

• In 1938, Boston Curtis, a brown mule, was elected to a Republican precinct seat in Milton, Washington. He even won unanimously, 51-0.

• Lajitas, Texas’ last three mayors have been goats, Clay Henry I-III.

• Idyllwild, California elected Max, the Golden Retriever, mayor for life. Unfortunately, Mayor Max I died a year later, but was immediately replaced with Mayor Max II. Mayor Max III recently assumed office at the demise of Mayor Max II.

• More goats, dogs, and cats have the title “The Honorable” before their names than we have space to list.

At times, humans have tried to block the decisions of the electorate in regards to inclusion. Just one case in point: Cacareco, a rhinoceros residing in the Sao Paulo Zoo in Brazil, attempted to run for city council on an anti-corruption platform. Human election officials rejected Cacareco’s candidacy and his name did not appear on the ballot. Yet, Cacareco received more than 100,000 write-in votes — a larger total than any other candidate.

If animals can be elected to office (and don’t forget that humans are actually animals), it stands to reason that animals should be allowed to vote.

We would like to go to the polls and look forward to the total political experience. You don’t have to worry about animals. We will be there on election day. Some of us may need special assistance with the voting machines. Or you could just put one at floor level where we can reach it.

Some of you remain unconvinced. Please know we bear you no ill will. It wouldn’t be the first time that a human has made a devastating error and refused to admit it. Nor the first time that we, your friends — dogs and other animals, love you anyway.

You’ll always have to live with the truth that most dogs, cats, and goats are better judges of character than any human. And we’re the best suited to select our next leaders. Just because we love you doesn’t mean we’ll vote for you or your candidates. And your yard signs may or may not suffer certain atrocities.

But we will never take our responsibility as citizens lightly. Nor should you.