Casa District Attorney Opens Investigation
From Mia Cope
You read that correctly. I’m going public with information in what could prove to be a nefarious criminal enterprise operating right here at Casa de Togo.
It’s a little known fact that, in addition to being the General Manager and Chief Security Officer, I am also the chief law enforcement officer in my role as the District Attorney for the Casa.1
Recently, Momma called to my attention that long-time Casa de Togo backyard resident, Sammy, the Squirrel, had gone missing along with her two offspring, Slappy and Happy. I really hadn’t noticed. In fact, I had rather enjoyed the absence of the constant trash talk that was tossed down to me from the tree branches above. Now that I fully grasped the situation, I found their disappearance very disturbing.
Sammy, Slappy, and Happy also spent some time next door, so I checked with my chief neighborhood informants, Murphy and Millie. Sure enough, they, too, had become suspicious and concerned when the chatter went silent. They tapped their resources and picked up on rumors that the squirrels had closed their nests and moved to safer territory.
I immediately went to the internet and logged into my account at InterSquirrel, an international tree rodent police network. It didn’t take long to find Sammy, et al, a couple of blocks west. At least three times a week, I patrol the area and take Daddy along. He has no investigative skills, but is a welcome companion since he carries doggie treats and an emergency poop-retrieval kit. We walk in the area in question at least three times a week. I didn’t want to spook Sammy by making direct contact but I needed her information. So I shifted my attention to the feral cats living on that block.2
It didn’t take long to glean that Sammy, Slappy, and Happy were pushed out of their homes by new faces at Casa de Togo. It seems that a squirrel crime family had established a base in the very front yard of the Casa and had made it clear that the entire estate was their territory and that Sammy and family were unwelcome.
Well, things fell in place quickly from there. I asked Daddy, as Maintenance and Grounds Director, if he had noticed anything different around the Casa. He, of course, went into a long list of totally irrelevant things. But I let him keep talking. This took several days. But toward the end of the third day of being bored to tears interrogation, a clear picture emerged when Daddy noted that there was a sudden outcropping of mushrooms in the front yard but, strangely, none in the back.
That was it! I investigated immediately. The evidence was clear.
We have a mushroom ring operating in plain sight at Casa de Togo!3
The question, of course, was why? I made a trip to our Taylor County Agriculture Extension office and found the answer. Squirrels like to eat mushrooms — even those that are poisonous to humans. This new gang of bushy-tailed rodents had commandeered the lawn and started their own farm. Another survey of the front yard revealed evidence of illegal, squirrel-driven mushroom harvesting.
I personally put the area under surveillance. It really interfered with my naps, but nothing can quash my zeal in keeping Casa de Togo safe.
I also detected the distinct odor of mushrooms burning and have reason to believe that the squirrels, in addition to eating mushrooms, are also smoking them. Daddy thinks it’s probably just the smells coming from the grill at the new Nicaraguan restaurant in the neighborhood. But Daddy is incredibly naive so we shouldn’t let our guard down.
As I go public, I want to share complete information with the public. Below are the first known pictures of the (mushroom) ring leaders. I want to advise all citizens to be on the lookout. These squirrels are four-legged and should be considered dangerous.
I want to calm any fears among you. While this is a very serious situation, I will not rest (aside from my regular naps) until I bring these perpetrators to justice.
If you are questioning my credentials, you might also be surprised to learn that I formerly served as the feral prosecutor for Taylor County. (“Feral” not “federal.”) Yes, it was my job to seek out notorious felines living on the streets of Abilene and bring them to justice and, hopefully, rehabilitation. I truly hate seeing young lives wasted in the throes of criminal activity. And it’s a much bigger waste for cats given the fact that they each have nine lives.
I keep in touch with my contacts in the feral cat world. Most are good kitties who truly want to be useful members of the community despite their tendency to make people’s flower beds their own personal litter boxes.
Daddy insists that the technical name is “fairy ring.”
It appears to me this has mushroomed out of control.
I notice that, since her departure back to her family, foster dog Delilah has not been here to control the squirrel population, and we have many more critters now. But at least we don't have midnight visits to backdoor neighbors to retrieve a possum chasing boxer anymore. The neighbors are happy.