IYK(them)YK(the other them)

Composing texts and social media posts are often hard for me. I am compelled to attempt delivery of my messages with proper grammar, capitalization, punctuation, and style — and always, the Oxford comma. Although, after extensive research, I’m not very concerned about what participles my sentences end with.

Yet, I fully understand that most people value the speed and efficiency afforded them by using acronyms and emojis¹ to shortcut the process.

All that said, certain of these techniques have been branded into my memory and I’m somewhat mesmerized. Thus, the title of this Note from Casa de Togo.²

I find it perplexing when people post an interesting picture on social media and provide the following caption:

Yes, I have discovered what that means. “If You Know, You Know.”

I may be exaggerating, but I think I can count on one finger the number of times that I actually knew. Thus, I didn’t know. And that merely enhanced my deep desire to know.

It’s like a code sign. As such, I have come to recognize its value and importance. I no longer ask questions unless I think I should know and I don’t. Further, by not asking and by simply “liking” the post, others can assume that I am on the inside track and actually know that which I don’t actually know.³

By now you know that my linear thinking often jumps the track and you are wondering why you agreed to get on the train in the first place. So, here it is.

In the past few days, one of my friends on social media posted an old picture of herself with another individual. The message with that picture was a wonderful memorial tribute. And whether it was intentional or an oversight, she never named the other person. IYKYK. The woman memorialized was also close to many of my mutual friends. Soon similar pictures sharing memories of her life flooded my feed. I now know her name. I never had the good fortune to have met her. Yet I can see how she positively affected my life through her influence.

Togo and I did talk a lot about the ways that a community draws us into relationship with strangers. That led to a much deeper discussion of the importance of having friends who are different because they have friends who are different. And the more diverse your friends and their friends, the easier it is to love everybody.⁴ Togo noted that was the real reason for his aggressive attempts to get to know squirrels, up close and personal. He merely wanted to expand his horizons.

I often find that “If You Know (Them), You Know (The Other Them)” by extension. On a number of occasions, I’ve found myself offering comfort at the passing of someone I didn’t know by tying my condolences to the idea that if they were loved by someone I loved, then they were ones I loved, as well.⁵

I am privileged to have come to know someone who was called from this life too soon. Who was a friend to all who knew her. Who influences friends she never met. May she rest in peace.

IYKYK.

1. I will not be discussing emojis here beyond this mere mention. However, I find their proliferation and tedious subtleties intimidating.

2. This, by the way (BTW), is reminiscent of conversations Togo and I shared out on the back porch in days of yore.

3. This behavior parallels one I developed in my second year of college Spanish where nothing but Spanish could be spoken in the lab. Try as I might, I could not converse fluently in Español. So, when I was asked a question, I simply repeated, “Este, este, este . . .” until the professor assumed that I was slow of mind in all languages, gave me credit for attempting to answer in Spanish, and moved on to the next student. (Of course, “este” means “this” in Spanish, which I’ve learned is a shortcut social media comment for stamping your brand of approval on someone else’s post or meme. That’s why I occasionally will comment “Este” on something I agree with just to highlight my bilingualness. IYKYK.)

4. Togo became transfixed on this idea when I introduced the concept of Six Degrees of Separation. You remember. The basic concept was that we are all connected within six degrees of separation from anyone else. To make it fun, the protagonists of the idea challenged people to establish a connection to the actor, Kevin Bacon, through six levels. Actually, Togo wasn’t really interested in this at all until he heard “bacon.”

5. There are always exceptions. In truth, many people dearly love and loved others who did them great harm and never loved them back. That’s a really deep topic that speaks to the mystery of love and the capacity to love that is welled up inside us. That’s the love described in heart-rending poems and in descriptions of love for neighbor and enemy found in holy scripture. It’s complicated. That’s when the rest of us need to step up with our support and love.